How To Amuse Yourself at the Akatsuki's Expense
by Sadistic Kunoichi-13
Summary: lists of ways to bother Itachi Kisame Hidan Deidara Sasori Pein Konan Zetsu Kakuzu and maybe Tobi. On temporary hold due to... well, attempting to get on the honor roll at school for funsies. UPDATED! KAKUZU'S CHAPTER UP! Yeah I made it. Barely.
1. Itachi

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or the Akatsuki (and it's a damn shame about that too… oh the possibilities

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or the Akatsuki (and it's a damn shame about that too… oh the possibilities!)

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How to Amuse Yourself at Itachi's Expense!

Tell him he's ugly, then run for dear life.

Introduce him to your friends as "Weasel Boy".

List the reasons why men shouldn't wear nailpolish

Repeatedly ask him if he has a death wish because he left Sasuke alive

Tell him Orochimaru is bragging about how he "kicked Itachi's sorry ass" before leaving Akatsuki

Watch as he beats the Snake Sanin with a large club

Ask him a question. When he answers, ask him "why?"; repeat asking "why?" until he yells "SHUT UP!" at you.

After doing this, as soon as he's out of range, skip around the Akatsuki base singing "Itachi's PMSing "

When one of the other Akatsuki asks you what in the hell you're doing, tell them Itachi has PMS. When they say "Wait, do you mean to say…?" respond with a positive sounding "Hn" that they will take as a yes.

When Itachi finds out about this and tracks down the member who started the rumor that he was really a girl, that person will say that you told them. When Itachi drags that person along to track you down, point at the person while crying anime tears and say "Why are you saying that?! I only said that he was having a bad day! Itachi-oniisama, please believe me! (cue adorable, pouting, chibi face and halo)

Mentally sicker as Itachi beats the shite out of the other Akatsuki member for making you cry. (don't show amusement in your expression unless you want to be beaten to a bloody pulp because Itachi figured it out from your expression.)

Lock Itachi in a room with Tobi when he (Tobi) is high on sugar and caffeine

When Itachi unbuttons his cloak to look cool, videotape it. Put the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" in the background and post it on YouTube; entitle the video "Itachi is a Stripper"

Using the same footage, make a new video (Itachi is a Stripper part 2) with the song "Buttons" as background music.

Show the two videos to the Akatsuki members (except Itachi); then show them to Itachi and blame the videos on Kisame

Order 500 boxes of face cream in his name and have them delivered to his bedroom

Hack into Itachi's e-mail and send a message to Leader with many, many insults; then get the hell out of there before Pein blows a fuse

Photo shop a picture of him so he looks like a woman in a bikini, then e-mail this to everyone in Akatsuki

Turn him into a chibi, then charge 19.95 for his fangirls to hug him for 5 minutes strait

Make him watch the movie "Childs Play". When he goes to bed, take one of Sasori's puppets and scare him with it when he's half asleep

On Halloween, knock him out, dress him in a weasel costume, and put him on a lawn chair in the front yard, holding a bowl of candy hearts

Force him to watch the YouTube video "Sexy Naughty Bitchy Itachi" ; watch as he destroys the computer with Amaterasu


	2. Kisame

How To Amuse Yourself at Kisame's Expense

1. Follow him around quoting _Moby Dick, Jaws, _and _Finding Nemo_ for a week

2. Ask him how big his sword is. When he tells you, look skeptically at his crotch until he gets it, then run to Pein for protection.

3. Throw rainbow goldfish crackers at him

4. Feed him shark fin soup without telling him what it is

5. Tell him what it is. Run back to Pein when he yells mournfully, "_Uncle Joe!!!"_

6. Randomly spray him with the garden hose. When he yells at you, indignantly yell, "I just saved your life, and this is the thanks I get!"

7. Hang a fishhook with a sake bottle tied to it in front of his door and wait for him to come out.

8. Swing the fish hook until it catches on his mouth as he curses at you, then reel it in while singing, "_I'm blue, dabadi, dabada~!"_

9. On Christmas, blindfold him and tell him that his gift is a surprise and that you'll lead him to it. Take him to the giant fish bowl you had erected and filled with water in his honor.

10. Push him off the diving board on the side of it while he's still blindfolded.

11. Buy a pet fish and name it after him

12. Give him an embarrassing nickname and call him that in front of Pein and Itachi, and also in public

13. Henge into Itachi with a big kitchen knife. Walk into the room behind Kisame and say, "Who's up for sushi?"

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**Sorry I haven't updated in forever, but I was trying to come up with more ideas at first, and then I forgot which notebook it was in, so yeah. . . I hope this is good! Next up, I'm thinking either Hidan or Kakuzu. Until then, _Ja ne_!**


	3. Kakuzu

**Happy (late!) Valentines Day! My gift to you? A long-awaited update! Enjoy! ^.^**

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**How to Amuse Yourself At Kakuzu's Expense**

into his money stash, and replace every bit of it with Monopoly money.

2. Use the real money as stuffing for Hidan's birthday present: a brand new Kakuzu voodoo doll.

3. Dub him "Mr. Scrooge" and refuse to call him anything else.

4. At Christmas, get Tobi, Deidara and Hidan to dress up as the Ghosts of Christmas and reenact _A Christmas Carol_. Cast Kakuzu in the lead role without telling him.

5. Videotape the entire thing with hidden cameras strategically placed about the lair, and post the film on YouTube after showing it in Konoha.

6. Watch Kakuzu freak out when he realizes that YouTube is free.

7. Tell him that you gave all the money earned from the Konoha showings to charity. (You could also say that you burned it.)

8. Take his little mask-buddies and "girlify" them. (Paint them pink, use glitter glue on them, make it look like they're wearing a boatload of make-up, etc.)

9. Hide Hidan's Death Spikes pointing upwards in Kakuzu's bed. Listen as he screams in agony.

10. Replace one of Kakuzu's extra hearts with Hidan's heart without telling him. Watch in amusement when Hidan's dismembered hand crawls up Kakuzu's body to reclaim his missing organ.

11. Bake Kakuzu's coins into brownies and sell them for 5 cents a piece.

12. Watch Kakuzu freak out when all of the patrons bite into their brownies and each discover more than 5 cents inside of them.

13. Send him on a mission with Tobi. (Enough said.)

14. Send him on vacation after his awful mission with Tobi. Hide Hidan's head in one of the spaces for his extra hearts so he can always hear Hidan's voice.

15. Watch as he gets in trouble for Hidan's cursing.

16. Stick him a retirement home with really old, decrepit people.

17. Go undercover as a nurse and secretly videotape random events that occur in the Home.

18. Admit Hidan as a guest once daily, twice on holidays. Watch as chaos ensues.

19. Sell his extra hearts, with his name as an organ donor.

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**Well, I hope you all enjoyed that! A special thanks to Dusk-Blood-Ninja-Monkey-Heart for giving me so much assistance with this, despite being sick! Arigatou Al-chan~!** ^.^

**Review please!**


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